amidst all that have been going on these past few days which i have been blogging about, i can’t believe i forgot to remember and hence, make note of: the one enlightening moment when Cik Tina gave me and my sister some advice yesterday..  

she had encouraged us to read Surah Yaasin everytime after prayers, for our parents, and at the same time pray for their well-being and health so that everything runs smoothly for them over there.. our main concern for them there had been in the fact that they would be performing their Hajj amongst thousands of people, where a hundred and one things could happen, whether its getting lost, or falling sick, or being robbed etc (i’ve heard so many scary stories before that i feared greatly for my mom, who is not the most careful person in the world).. but i was so caught up in being worried for them, being anxious in the fact that we are seperated by so many miles with the only thing that’s linking us is technology which they hardly used anyway(seriously, one sms was all we got), that i forgot the one other thing that IS within my control that i could use to help or ease their journey there: prayers.. i’ve been told so many times that a son’s/daughter’s prayers for his/her parents are always granted, and yet i completely forgot about it..  at the very least, it puts my mind at ease, being able to leave it in God’s hands to watch over them.. they are after all, going there as guests in His ‘house’.. who better to ask than the host Himself?

anw, some pictures from the send-off:

this is really random but i just had to show it bcos it seemed funny AND random to me just now..

do you get it? its arisya’s, hanis’ and jannah’s MSN status in traffic light colours..

the past 3 days have all been about adjustments.. adjusting to not seeing my parents or hearing their voices for one whole month when before this, they’ve never been away from us for more than 2 days or further than Malaysia.. the only updates i’m getting from or of them so far is from my sister who has received but one sms from my mom when she arrived at Jeddah.. i don’t know why they can’t call, but i’m guessing they are really busy there right now..

we’re adjusting to having my nenek live with us, which is not a bad adjustment at all, because for one thing, i’m having awesome food everyday (especially breakfast, cos my mom doesn’t cook breakfast unless its the weekends) and supplies of soft drinks/kuihs/desserts that my mom would never buy or have the time to make.. and because of my nenek’s presence, the house is a LOT cleaner than usual.. not because she’s doing all the housework, but really because i’m doing all the housework just so that i can deliver on my promise to my mom that i won’t treat my nenek like a slave.. which also means that i’m adjusting to doing a lot more housework than i would normally do, because admittedly i take my mom for granted.. i miss my mom a lot more when i’m doing the laundry, or cleaning the kitchen, or folding clothes.. i also never used to like her home-made juices, but now i’m missing them and the glass of water she would prepare for me and my siblings every morning without fail..

i’m also adjusting to not seeing my dad sitting on the sofa watching Sensasi as the first thing i would normally see when i come home from school..

worst of all, i’m adjusting to having to listen to my sister, because quite frankly, i never really liked taking orders from her.. but i have to adhere to the fact that she’s taking my parents’ one-month absence a lot harder than me and my brother because not only is she the closest to my mom, but she also has to take charge of the family which involves being responsible over my brother who is, if you don’t already know by now, the laziest 18-year old in the world.. i’m still being quite adamant about taking orders from her though, because while we both have different ways of doing things, i DO know that i’m definitely not irresponsible like my brother, hence i know that i do take the initiative to do say, take out my own laundry, for example, or to iron my dad’s clothes for him instead of putting it one side and waiting for my mom to come back to iron it herself.. essentially, i’m adjusting to being treated like the 14-year old that my sister looks at when she talks to me about how i should do my chores, when the ironic side is, i’m doing more chores than her.. rant rant rant. its the one single adjustment that i’m struggling with, however..

but so far i guess, its been quite alright.. i know that i have to be more understanding and accommodating towards my sister’s leadership skills (which i’m having serious clout against), but other than that, i realise i am pretty well adjusted, or relatively more so than she is.. the situation so far has been a combination of good and bad; suffocating yet freeing, tiring yet educational (bcos i’m now learning to be more domesticated), frustrating yet funny..

oh, one last thing that i’m having to adjust to: my nenek’s radio which cannot be turned off and adjusts volume by itself in the middle of the night to scare the living night-lights out of me..

this is how UNmotivated i am to do my essay:

my essay is due at 4pm today and i am still at 100 words. with absolutely no sense of panic or urgency to finish it, even contemplating the thought of handing it up on Monday or Tuesday or not at all.

Islamic Calligraphy is SUCH.A.BORING.TOPIC to write on.. sheesh why i gotta pick the lousy topics huh.

i’m going through one of those phases where i would open my closet in the morning and be extremely unsatisfied with my wardrobe, hence spending 5 to 10 minutes being undecided on what to wear, even if i’m already late for class.. the day just starts out wrongly for me if i don’t feel good with what i’m wearing or if my clothes are not ironed properly, or my tudung is not shaped nicely.. its like my clothes, and with it my fashion sense (if i have any), contribute to the creation of not only my self-confidence, but my identity as well.. i guess i’m one of those “look good=feel good”type of people, but then again, i don’t know anybody who is not like that even to the smallest extent..

anw, yeah back to my wardrobe.. i looked at some of my clothes this morning and wondered what the hell i was thinking when i first bought them, some just got boring to me because i’ve worn them so often and i wore them so often because i used to really like them.. so yeah, another one of my attributes: once i’ve bought something i really like, be it a top, a pair of jeans, a tudung or a pair of shoes, i would want to wear it so often until i get bored of it, just not everyday though.. i realise its the same for music as well but let’s not digress..

so looks like shopping is on the agenda in the coming weeks, once i’m done with deadlines.. speaking of which i should REALLY get started on my essay due this Friday..

…Honours year is making me feel like a loser…

…Honours people are making me feel like a loser…

i’m suddenly very sick of school, the competitiveness, the hierarchy of standards, the immense sucking up, the favouritism, and the cliques.. i’ve always hated that last bit..

maybe i should have just graduated.. every week i feel more and more like a dumb fuck.

a few things:

i’m slacking more than i should.. it derives from suddenly being allowed all this free time and having no difficult or serious HY projects or essays to plow through.. ok i’ve got an Archi essay due this friday, but my brain just can’t place Architecture under the same importance as History.. speaking of which i’ve got a History test on Tuesday which I’ve not started studying for.. talk about priorities..

one would think that Hari Raya is over, but apparently not for my nenek’s neighbours.. i just attended a Hari Raya gathering yesterday at the common hall near my nenek’s house.. it was pretty awkward, cos umm, i didn’t know anybody there other than my nenek (the rest of my aunts and sis pangsehed on me) and well, all we did was makan.. i left shortly after, wanting to escape the games round..

there was this really interesting article on Berita Harian, pertaining to the recent apparent ’trend’ of child abuse inflicted by their fathers.. apparently, fathers who beat up their kids stemming from uncontrollable anger and leading to the child’s death, were usually brought up in such a way themselves; as in, they had an upbringing where punishment usually constitutes being beaten up.. you know how parents last time caned their children a lot to discipline them? yeah so it passed down to their children, who then grew up with this mentality of “i beat up my children not because i dont love them. if i don’t love them, i wouldn’t care if they turn out good or bad.” i don’t dispute their conviction.. i’m sure for the cases that involve the biological parents, they DID love their children.. however, they were, as the article mentioned, less exposed to other softer alternatives to disciplining their children..

at the end of the day, according to the article, it comes down to the following factors that crossed the line from beating up your children as a disciplinary action, to beating up your children to death..

1) as mentioned, it perpetuates from the parents’ upbringing, where the common mentality was that it was ok, even necessary, to beat up their children.. it was the common disciplinary action even till our generation.. all i can say however, is that caning worked last time, it works less now.. for me and my sis, at least, it freaking worked.. hence with regards to the first factor, i would say that its a bit ambiguous and less clear-cut as to whether beating up children would DIRECTLY lead to child abuse.. this is where the next 2 factors come in..

2) unfulfilled dreams and dissatisfaction with life.. for these parents, they probably had a rough childhood, strict parents, generation gap, miserable education just to name a few.. these are just generalisations, but if we look at the several cases of child abuse leading to death that have happened in Singapore over the past few years (take your pick), the parents are from less-educated background, and probably have a tough life socially and economically which adds to their emotional volatility..

3) social illnesses such as being addicted to alcohol and drugs.. the psychiatrist interviewed in the article mentioned that these make them less able to control their anger..

i would love to have a conclusion for this, but this is where conclusion escapes me.. because in order to come to a conclusion about something you need to have understood what you’ve written so far and well, i don’t.. i’ve just been regurgitating from an article, but i’m still struggling to understand the concept of inflicting insurmountable and unchecked anger on little children.. i fucking don’t get it..

1) already cutting it fine in reaching my house on time, Hanis Hafi and Hali went to the wrong block..

2) the people who lived the nearest to my house came the latest..

3) due to my ingenuity, Syaf’s car went into the wrong exit on our way from my house to Jannah Dragon’s house (which is only from Jurong West to Jurong East so it really should not have been that confusing).. to save face we concocted a story to tell the others on why we reached later than the rest; a story that somehow had a pink pill inside it..

4) Hanis had a brilliant idea to pose with a different object in every house’s photo-taking, ranging from a tupperware of kuihs to a cup-stand to a pitcher of drinks etc..

5) we got off at the wrong floor on our way to Musa’s house, and it wasn’t a case of 1-floor difference (read: 11-3= 8 floors overshot)

6) we watched a Korean variety show at Musa’s house, where this dude was telling a story of how he tried to put out the fire in his engine by peeing on it..  LOL.

7 ) Musa was forced to get into the guys’ car which he did a little resentfully cos  according to him, there were no chicks.. faris called it “bromantic”.. i would also call it a “threesome”..

8 ) over Hanis’ home-cooked pasta dinner, Jannah Rabbit willingly told us the history behind the phrase “raining cats and dogs”.. everyone was so enlightened afterwards..

9) On our way to what was our 987th but Arisya’s 2nd house, she was  suddenly worried that wearing slippers would be a show of disrespect to the hosts, until she realised that Jannah Dragon and Faris had been wearing slippers since house no. 1..

10) aaaaaaaahhhhhhh *high note*

i’m hoping yesterday was that time, since it left me feeling completely mentally exhausted.. but the good part is that i’m starting to get a good grasp of the situation (i hope) and already the finishing line is drawing near so what’s left is really just preparing for peace.. you know like how the Allies knew by mid 1944 that they were going to win the war anyways and they were already discussing on the post-war order of Europe and Germany even though the battles were still being fought till 1945 but just for the sake of shoving it to Hitler’s face to make him surrender totally ok i’m starting to ramble into irrelevance but the historical analogy is mostly for the “preparing for peace” part …. ANW, i’ve always hated to be the middle person in everything but for the sake of fun laughter peace and joy i’ll have to do it just one last time on Monday, hoping that things will get better after that, and misunderstandings are cleared up. I’ve already got mine cleared up yesterday, so that’s half the battle won right?

it’s gonna be alright after this.. it always is..

yep, pretty much we’re screwed, or to quote my Histo prof, in a state of ”psychological funk”. to quote him also, in “a world of hurt”. haha.. in my head it sounds funny.. but there’s nothing funny about the current situation.. forgive me for having been so ‘chipper’ in my last few entries, but i shall continue to do so until the storm blows over or until i’ve pretty much finished funking pyschologically.. in the meantime, let me advise you on the precarious situation of having your friends as your groupmates, you can never bear to get angry when someone is not pulling his weight.. so my best take, get strangers instead. comprende? the situation is really a lot more complicated than this and there really is no point in blaming anyone including myself, which i’ve been doing for the past few days.. i just have to finish panicking for 5 mins, suck my breathe and dive into the shithole.. haha.. that sounds funny in my head too.. awesome weekend this will be..