it’s been a long time since i had a relaxing and enjoyable time away from mugging madness, hellish school and all the stress schmess that comes in the Singapore Education Package (SEP), so i was hardly complaining when what was supposed to be an overnight study session at jannah’s house yesterday turned into an almost chalet-like awesomeness..

this second overnight session was even better than the first one we had during study week because this time arisya and syaf could join us, although syaf had nothing to study for and thus ended up watching tv and letting us listen to Malay jiwang songs throughout the night.. i admit i wasn’t really in the mood to study anw, so i did not get further than Clement Attlee while mugging for my British Prime Minister module, which if you know your British Prime Ministers well, is not progress at all.. but anyhoos, i ended up napping, chatting, watching tv and laughing most of the time.. we did manage to squeeze a few hours of studying in, but then Syaf had this brilliant (and for the first time, i’m not saying this in a sarcastic manner) idea to take us out for supper and go for a morning drive after that.. so there we were, looking as selekeh as ever, in our baju tido (me and Syaf too un-bothered to get dressed and wear our tudungs), driving to Al-Amin Woodlands (which wasn’t very happening if you ask me, we were practically the only customers there) for some murtabak mee goreng and roti john at 5 am in the morning.. ok fine, at this time, you can probably call it breakfast already..

after supper/breakfast, Syaf took us to a very ulu part of Singapore (no, not Jurong), Kranji Reservoir.. there were a lot of alleys and small lanes to get through and old looking shops as well as forest areas (someone said we looked like we were in Malaysia already, which was not altogther inaccurate, Malaysia was just beyond the horizon!) to pass by before reaching the aforementioned place.. i am still admiring at Syaf’s navigational skills, driving skills and her knowledge of the damn country.. her purpose in bringing us there was to see the sunrise, and by golly, it was magnificent..

isnt this a great “Masyallah!” moment? none of us brought a camera so we almost didn’t get to capture the wonders of nature.. but thank God for camera phones (and for sunrises)..

as part of the process of capturing the moment, there were many failed attempts at capturing a jumpshot..

finally, 8th time lucky..

it was A.MA.ZING. i can’t get over the gorgeousness of the scenery.. i also got bitten by ants in the process and someone stepped on a snail i think, but other than that, this was a certified AHHHHHHHHH *insert high note* moment..

and i’m really glad that we managed to do this even in the midst of our exams because a few years down the road, this would definitely make my school memories a LOT less painful to think about, because despite all the hair-pulling, worrying, complaining and whining (and i’ve not even talked about all the pains that come with mugging and grades and academic negativism yet)  there was also this..

MOZOLTOV FOR YOUR EXAMZ EVERIBODI.

i’m extra enthu because um, i only have two papers.. not like the extra days for studying are of any advantage cos i spend most of them watching The Nanny and chatting online..

on another note, i’ve been feeling a little down and empty these past few weeks, and its making me restless, and making me fill the void up with comfort food constantly.. Jannah says it could most probably be because of my parents’ month long absence.. well thank GOD they are coming back in one week’s time then!

ok there really isn’t a point to my entry i should get back to studying..

i’m gonna be honest, and admit that this sem has been an utter crapola of a semester.. i’m unmotivated, i slack most of the time, i procrastinate on my datelines a lot, to the extent of being late for some, i look forward to seeing my friends more than i look forward to going for lectures (but this isn’t entirely new), i can’t even cope with 2 level 4 modules, so i’m sure gonna die next semester.. i’m trying to find a better word than “unmotivated” to describe my attitude, because frankly speaking i think that word is so cliche by now bcos i’ve been overusing it.. i’m more than just unmotivated, but i can’t seem to pinpoint to an apt description.. maybe “jaded” is the right word, but it’s still not apt enough.. and i’m currently paying for my lazinessby being awake an at ungodly hour and sacrificing my sleep to finish my readings which if i hadn’t been lazy, i would have been able to finish during the weekend.. and no, its not just the fact that i’m in 4th year and hence feeling really mundane about this routine already, it’s got to do with……….. ennui + unsettled + mundanity + a little depressed = ???

hmmmm, is it that time of the month, or a forecast of a gloomy future?

amidst all that have been going on these past few days which i have been blogging about, i can’t believe i forgot to remember and hence, make note of: the one enlightening moment when Cik Tina gave me and my sister some advice yesterday..  

she had encouraged us to read Surah Yaasin everytime after prayers, for our parents, and at the same time pray for their well-being and health so that everything runs smoothly for them over there.. our main concern for them there had been in the fact that they would be performing their Hajj amongst thousands of people, where a hundred and one things could happen, whether its getting lost, or falling sick, or being robbed etc (i’ve heard so many scary stories before that i feared greatly for my mom, who is not the most careful person in the world).. but i was so caught up in being worried for them, being anxious in the fact that we are seperated by so many miles with the only thing that’s linking us is technology which they hardly used anyway(seriously, one sms was all we got), that i forgot the one other thing that IS within my control that i could use to help or ease their journey there: prayers.. i’ve been told so many times that a son’s/daughter’s prayers for his/her parents are always granted, and yet i completely forgot about it..  at the very least, it puts my mind at ease, being able to leave it in God’s hands to watch over them.. they are after all, going there as guests in His ‘house’.. who better to ask than the host Himself?

anw, some pictures from the send-off:

this is really random but i just had to show it bcos it seemed funny AND random to me just now..

do you get it? its arisya’s, hanis’ and jannah’s MSN status in traffic light colours..

the past 3 days have all been about adjustments.. adjusting to not seeing my parents or hearing their voices for one whole month when before this, they’ve never been away from us for more than 2 days or further than Malaysia.. the only updates i’m getting from or of them so far is from my sister who has received but one sms from my mom when she arrived at Jeddah.. i don’t know why they can’t call, but i’m guessing they are really busy there right now..

we’re adjusting to having my nenek live with us, which is not a bad adjustment at all, because for one thing, i’m having awesome food everyday (especially breakfast, cos my mom doesn’t cook breakfast unless its the weekends) and supplies of soft drinks/kuihs/desserts that my mom would never buy or have the time to make.. and because of my nenek’s presence, the house is a LOT cleaner than usual.. not because she’s doing all the housework, but really because i’m doing all the housework just so that i can deliver on my promise to my mom that i won’t treat my nenek like a slave.. which also means that i’m adjusting to doing a lot more housework than i would normally do, because admittedly i take my mom for granted.. i miss my mom a lot more when i’m doing the laundry, or cleaning the kitchen, or folding clothes.. i also never used to like her home-made juices, but now i’m missing them and the glass of water she would prepare for me and my siblings every morning without fail..

i’m also adjusting to not seeing my dad sitting on the sofa watching Sensasi as the first thing i would normally see when i come home from school..

worst of all, i’m adjusting to having to listen to my sister, because quite frankly, i never really liked taking orders from her.. but i have to adhere to the fact that she’s taking my parents’ one-month absence a lot harder than me and my brother because not only is she the closest to my mom, but she also has to take charge of the family which involves being responsible over my brother who is, if you don’t already know by now, the laziest 18-year old in the world.. i’m still being quite adamant about taking orders from her though, because while we both have different ways of doing things, i DO know that i’m definitely not irresponsible like my brother, hence i know that i do take the initiative to do say, take out my own laundry, for example, or to iron my dad’s clothes for him instead of putting it one side and waiting for my mom to come back to iron it herself.. essentially, i’m adjusting to being treated like the 14-year old that my sister looks at when she talks to me about how i should do my chores, when the ironic side is, i’m doing more chores than her.. rant rant rant. its the one single adjustment that i’m struggling with, however..

but so far i guess, its been quite alright.. i know that i have to be more understanding and accommodating towards my sister’s leadership skills (which i’m having serious clout against), but other than that, i realise i am pretty well adjusted, or relatively more so than she is.. the situation so far has been a combination of good and bad; suffocating yet freeing, tiring yet educational (bcos i’m now learning to be more domesticated), frustrating yet funny..

oh, one last thing that i’m having to adjust to: my nenek’s radio which cannot be turned off and adjusts volume by itself in the middle of the night to scare the living night-lights out of me..

this is how UNmotivated i am to do my essay:

my essay is due at 4pm today and i am still at 100 words. with absolutely no sense of panic or urgency to finish it, even contemplating the thought of handing it up on Monday or Tuesday or not at all.

Islamic Calligraphy is SUCH.A.BORING.TOPIC to write on.. sheesh why i gotta pick the lousy topics huh.

i’m going through one of those phases where i would open my closet in the morning and be extremely unsatisfied with my wardrobe, hence spending 5 to 10 minutes being undecided on what to wear, even if i’m already late for class.. the day just starts out wrongly for me if i don’t feel good with what i’m wearing or if my clothes are not ironed properly, or my tudung is not shaped nicely.. its like my clothes, and with it my fashion sense (if i have any), contribute to the creation of not only my self-confidence, but my identity as well.. i guess i’m one of those “look good=feel good”type of people, but then again, i don’t know anybody who is not like that even to the smallest extent..

anw, yeah back to my wardrobe.. i looked at some of my clothes this morning and wondered what the hell i was thinking when i first bought them, some just got boring to me because i’ve worn them so often and i wore them so often because i used to really like them.. so yeah, another one of my attributes: once i’ve bought something i really like, be it a top, a pair of jeans, a tudung or a pair of shoes, i would want to wear it so often until i get bored of it, just not everyday though.. i realise its the same for music as well but let’s not digress..

so looks like shopping is on the agenda in the coming weeks, once i’m done with deadlines.. speaking of which i should REALLY get started on my essay due this Friday..

…Honours year is making me feel like a loser…

…Honours people are making me feel like a loser…

i’m suddenly very sick of school, the competitiveness, the hierarchy of standards, the immense sucking up, the favouritism, and the cliques.. i’ve always hated that last bit..

maybe i should have just graduated.. every week i feel more and more like a dumb fuck.

a few things:

i’m slacking more than i should.. it derives from suddenly being allowed all this free time and having no difficult or serious HY projects or essays to plow through.. ok i’ve got an Archi essay due this friday, but my brain just can’t place Architecture under the same importance as History.. speaking of which i’ve got a History test on Tuesday which I’ve not started studying for.. talk about priorities..

one would think that Hari Raya is over, but apparently not for my nenek’s neighbours.. i just attended a Hari Raya gathering yesterday at the common hall near my nenek’s house.. it was pretty awkward, cos umm, i didn’t know anybody there other than my nenek (the rest of my aunts and sis pangsehed on me) and well, all we did was makan.. i left shortly after, wanting to escape the games round..

there was this really interesting article on Berita Harian, pertaining to the recent apparent ’trend’ of child abuse inflicted by their fathers.. apparently, fathers who beat up their kids stemming from uncontrollable anger and leading to the child’s death, were usually brought up in such a way themselves; as in, they had an upbringing where punishment usually constitutes being beaten up.. you know how parents last time caned their children a lot to discipline them? yeah so it passed down to their children, who then grew up with this mentality of “i beat up my children not because i dont love them. if i don’t love them, i wouldn’t care if they turn out good or bad.” i don’t dispute their conviction.. i’m sure for the cases that involve the biological parents, they DID love their children.. however, they were, as the article mentioned, less exposed to other softer alternatives to disciplining their children..

at the end of the day, according to the article, it comes down to the following factors that crossed the line from beating up your children as a disciplinary action, to beating up your children to death..

1) as mentioned, it perpetuates from the parents’ upbringing, where the common mentality was that it was ok, even necessary, to beat up their children.. it was the common disciplinary action even till our generation.. all i can say however, is that caning worked last time, it works less now.. for me and my sis, at least, it freaking worked.. hence with regards to the first factor, i would say that its a bit ambiguous and less clear-cut as to whether beating up children would DIRECTLY lead to child abuse.. this is where the next 2 factors come in..

2) unfulfilled dreams and dissatisfaction with life.. for these parents, they probably had a rough childhood, strict parents, generation gap, miserable education just to name a few.. these are just generalisations, but if we look at the several cases of child abuse leading to death that have happened in Singapore over the past few years (take your pick), the parents are from less-educated background, and probably have a tough life socially and economically which adds to their emotional volatility..

3) social illnesses such as being addicted to alcohol and drugs.. the psychiatrist interviewed in the article mentioned that these make them less able to control their anger..

i would love to have a conclusion for this, but this is where conclusion escapes me.. because in order to come to a conclusion about something you need to have understood what you’ve written so far and well, i don’t.. i’ve just been regurgitating from an article, but i’m still struggling to understand the concept of inflicting insurmountable and unchecked anger on little children.. i fucking don’t get it..